Live in Da Now Instead of Denial

A lot of conversations I've had with friends lately have involved denial. And all of them had negative impacts not only on the people in denial, but also their loved-ones around them. When I thought about what denial means to me, I define it as deception to one's self, whether intentional or not...it's still a lie. Many times I think we confuse being in denial with having faith, but that's not true at all. Usually with denial there is inaction, whereas faith requires action--usually involving prayer and constant searching for truth.

It didn't take long for me to deal with denial and see how negatively it impacted my family.

My real experience with denial was 28 weeks pregnant with my first child and I had all the symptoms of labor, but I refused to believe that I would be having this baby already. I was just going to work through it and deny the signs. Once I was finally convinced to go to my doctor, my life changed drastically when I gave birth to a preemie. It still didn't seem real to me, I just kept thinking that this little 2lb, 14oz boy would be just fine and come home from the hospital shortly and not have anything wrong. It did no good to believe that. That didn't stop him from coming home 6 weeks later on oxygen, needing surgeries and developmental therapy for the next 3 years. Each day I was crushed. I didn't want to believe this was happening to my child. But truth was the truth and I had to deal with it. Once I began to live in reality and accept it, I saw it wasn't so bad. God put people in my path that helped us along the way. Denial only made life harder.

Good thing I started living in the now because 4 years later it was deja vu all over again! But this time it was 27 weeks pregnant with twins. I thought this can't be happening to me again! This pregnancy I took precautions to prevent preterm delivery, but whatever, it happened. But this time my perspective had changed. I had seen God do the impossible with my first child and I knew that if I sought His direction, He wouldn't fail. It may not be in the way that I expect, but when I surrender to His will, then He is in control. The twins were in the hospital longer and it was a rockier road. Still had very similar experiences as far as surgeries and therapy goes, but I dealt with it much better.

My mom was 50 years old and died, 3 weeks after the twins were born, from breast cancer. My dad was in total shock. He admitted that he didn't believe she would really succumb to cancer. He was devastated to lose her, but also felt like it was a lack of faith on his part. They sought treatment. They prayed and asked for God's will to be done...and ultimately His will was done. We were created to serve Him and she had. Our human bodies are destructible and destined to die...and she did. Living in denial during my mom's illness and after her death took a toll on my dad. He refused to believe she was really sick and couldn't believe she was taken away. But what good did all that thinking do? No good. He is slowly going back to church and having a relationship with God as his Father again. And his outlook is changing. He enjoys doing things with our family because we are here. I'm not in any way saying that mourning is wrong, but it's not bringing her back.

Nothing good comes out of denying that we need help or maybe our kids need help. Just accept it and get the help! We can't live in denial if our finances are not good. Find out what we're not doing right and make a change! I'm talking to myself here.

Throw Away the Label

The guy in the movie Puncture buys this suit because it’s on sale and is Armani…it doesn’t exactly look great and it definitely doesn’t fit into his work environment. The girls in Sex and the City only wear designer duds and some of their outfits are atrocities! Growing up, I begged my mom to buy me Guess jeans, I didn’t care what they looked like, just so long as the label said Guess. I got handed down a pair of denim overalls from one of my older cousins and I remember wearing them proudly because they were Guess. Even though they were boys and even though I looked absolutely hideous in them!

My mother-in-law was telling me about a guy she saw who was pierced and tatted up, but he was the kindest, most gentle guy who helped her with something. She said she had judged him wrong so quickly and learned a good lesson.

Those labels we want really mean very little and may even project the wrong image to others. But I guess who really cares what others think? So long as we live right and are pleasing to God, His is the only opinion that counts.

I was reading a MOPS publication recently and it was about a mother taking her kid on a playdate and judged another mother for looking stylish and having a big, clean house. She admitted that she missed out on that mom’s friendship on looks alone. I think a little differently…I think that those who are opposite of me- skinny, pretty women with big, clean houses (or guys of any kind) are judging me and therefore won’t waste their time with my friendship or company. So I was intimidated to ever even initiate a conversation with them or even try to be their friend. Since we had kids in the same class at school I ended up being friends with so many of that type of person and it turns out, I don’t think they judged me because I was the opposite of them. They treated me the same as they treated their friends who were the same as them. How stupid was I!!

In the same way of thinking, I need to throw away the perception of myself based on my label. And stop trying to label my family. I have a tendency to label my oldest son as a kid with Rain Man tendencies because he talks non-stop about useless information (useless to me) and can quickly size up a room with burned out lightbulbs…and it just grates on my nerves!! But a friend said to me that it wasn’t a bad quality, he just has curiosity and his quirks just make him who he is. I have this internal label that my daughter should be prim & proper, yet she is so messy that I get mad at her for being so. She has always been messy and not purposely. At least she knows that she is and always eats her dinner with a towel close by! So what if she’s messy? Just teach her how to clean up after herself and never buy her white clothes!!!

Believe me, I can be a label snob when it comes to lots of things. And because of that I limit myself and miss out.

It's the Little Things

Seems like sometimes the biggest obstacles bring us closer together, even though we think it would be the opposite. Usually because we're so focused on getting over that hurdle and the only way we can do it is with support. And then we're so relieved when we finally make it over that mountain.

But the little things really add up and start to chip away at our relationships. I was talking to a friend and he was mad at his girlfriend because she was giving him the silent treatment. And when he asked her what was wrong it was something very petty. Yet she was mad at him and he was mad at her that he left. Turns out it was over $20 for gas, but it snowballed into something relationship-threatening.

I wish I wasn't so vulnerable to the "stinking-thinking" syndrome. There are so many positives in my family's life, yet I fail to remember those when I'm too busy being mad about the little things. I hate it that I get so easily agitated when the kids leave their toys out in the toys' room or how they constantly ask me to do things for them because...hmm, let's see, they're 5 years old and not tall enough to reach the waffles from the freezer (although I should be thankful that they ask me instead of getting a chair and climbing up there themselves!) and put them in the toaster. I wish I would take a minute to think about all of the nice things my husband does around the house and with the kids before I get ticked that he didn't put his plate in the dishwasher that one time. And then I get annoyed at the oldest one for constantly asking me if he's allowed to do this or watch that, even though I'm the one who trained him to always ask my permission before he just does anything.

I am challenging myself to learn from my shortcomings and flip it on itself and try to use the little things to build my family up. Telling each of them that I love them is good, but showing a compassionate face and speaking in a warm tone and having a gentle touch need to accompany everything I do. Looking for the small cues for each member in my house and then acting on them positively may result in a big payoff. And even if not, it can't hurt!

Decisions, indecisions…

We’ve lived in our house for 7 years now and we haven’t painted a thing. Isn’t that just terrible? I know! I did finally buy a new couch and loveseat last year after I just couldn’t stand sitting on my beige couch that was more like brown now and still smelling baby formula even though my babies were 4 years old then. Shew, check that one off my list of major accomplishments. Actually making a decision, that was a major accomplishment. And guess what, I love the new furniture!

I feel this major burden that I should paint some of the rooms in my house. It literally keeps me awake at night, going over what color the walls should be and what is my style and theme? I get consumed by it. I look in magazines, on Pinterest, and I see the beautiful colors at my friends’ homes. And have I even stepped foot anywhere near actually buying a can of paint? Nope. I’m too nervous. I need to just be courageous and pick a color that would be calming and complimentary to our furniture and just do it.

It’s really not that big of a deal either way! If I never paint a room in this house, why do I care? Is that going to stop my friends and family from visiting? I doubt it. And if I paint the walls the wrong color, can I not change it?? Absolutely! What is my problem?

…I’m my own worst enemy

I have to vent...

I like striped shirts. I know I’m not skinny therefore not allowed to wear horizontal stripes, but I’ve decided that’s too bad. If the site of me wearing a striped shirt or sweater is just too much for you to bear, please avert your eyes.

There, I got that off my chest. Now I am officially allowed to buy & wear it if I like it, thankyouverymuch.

KISS

Oh another day and another day of terrible meals made by me. Well there not actually meals, more like a little bit of this, a little bit of that; a couple kids eat this and a couple of us eat that, and the poor husband gets this.

I don’t cook well is a major understatement. Yes, I can follow recipes and instructions, but a major part of the issue is putting meals together and picking out what to actually make. Something that won’t take forever in the kitchen and use our monthly income to fund. Something I won’t have to force not only my kids to eat, but force myself to eat too.

Those simple meals in the magazines are just not for my family. Not only do I have none of the ingredients ever on hand, I have never even heard of most of them! Skip! So then I turn to my inspiration, Pinterest. Now I’m getting somewhere…overwhelmed! Before I know it, I have wasted 7 hours on the computer looking for things to cook when I should actually be cooking something! So now it’s another grilled cheese & tomato soup night or hot dogs & macaroni-n-cheese.

I’m frustrated. My kids are hungry. I’m hungry. I’m sure my husband is hungry too. I try to think about what I ate growing up. Let’s see…grilled cheese & tomato soup, hot dogs & macaroni-n-cheese, sometimes my mom would throw some spaghetti & sauce in the mix. I see a pattern…my mom was not a cook, I am not a cook, my kids don’t know how to eat a real meal. This is not good. I have to make a change.

I’m thinking real hard. I get out all of my pristine cookbooks that I received as wedding gifts…10 years ago…the binding cracking since they’ve never been opened. All of these different types of cooking methods, cuts of meat, vegetables and breads…oh my. The more I read the recipes, the more mad I get at my family because I know they would never eat these meals. What picky eaters they are! They should be punished! I’m already thinking of the discipline in my mind when it’s so far from reality.

And then it’s as if someone hit me on the head with one of my rarely-used, but very expensive non-stick pans! KISS…"Keep It Simple, Stupid". I think I heard that in church when I was younger. Would my family eat eggs, bacon and toast for breakfast and stay filled up until lunch? Yes. Would they eat fruit, lunchmeat and pretzels and stay filled up until dinner? Yes. Would they eat any vegetable and chicken and maybe potatoes and be happy? Yes. And if they needed a snack during the day or dessert at night, would they be happy with some yogurt or more fruit? Yes. Oh my goodness. I may be on to something. Could I actually switch things around a little like some oatmeal here or a bagel there for breakfast? Astounding! Could we maybe eat a quesadilla for lunch with a salad on the side or even some broccoli soup with some good bread? Amazing! What about maybe some steak or chicken fajitas for dinner with grilled vegetables? Drum roll please, yes we can!!!

I should market my meal plan, I’m really on to something! I should sell those cookbooks in a yard sale and read one of the kids’ school lunch menu to get some real solutions. Once again, the problem is clear

…I’m my own worst enemy

Typical toddler, pushy parent…

It’s summertime and the kids are off school. They beg to let them stay up late since it’s summer break. I sympathize and let them stay up later. They wake up at their normal break of dawn time and we are off to the amusement park.

Hurry up, run to the kids’ area, don’t want to waste 5 seconds of time walking when we could be riding a ride. No, we’ve got to get our money’s worth out of these passes.

Let’s all ride this roller coaster as a family, even though one of the kids doesn’t like those kind of rides…no, you have to, we’re going to do this as a family. As we stand in the long line in the 90 degree heat, I get mad that he pukes from a mixture of heat & anxiety. Seriously? How could he ruin this moment, oh and I let him know I feel this way, all of us let him know that. Like the poor kid timed it and got sick on purpose, right.

I don’t understand why all three of the kids are whining that they’re hungry and their feet hurt. I told them to eat before we left and can’t they understand that I packed food for us to eat in the van after we’re done at the park? Don’t they know how I plan things by now? And why oh why do they keep asking to play those $5 games that they’re never going to win the dollar store prize because all the games are rigged? How could they be sucked in to all the marketing and gimmicks, when I’m clearly not.

Hmmm, could it be that they are tired? Could it be that I should have planned better and communicated better? Wait, could it be that they are little kids and this is how children act and I need to handle them & myself better?

Why do I feel that we have to race around and try to fit it all in to this tiny amount of time? I’m mad that I still haven’t learned that the kids respond kindly when I am kind and they are mad devils when I act like a mad devil.

…I’m my own worst enemy